Let’s Have the Fight Now!
What can you do to manage expectations on your vacations…and reduce disappointments and resentments?
—> You want to sleep in as late as you want and have leisurely mornings.
Your partner wants to be up at the crack of dawn to explore your surroundings and go on adventures.
—> You hope for sex at least once a day.
Your partner wants to feel free from any pressure to have sex and just relax and take care of themselves.
—> You would like to stay on top of work emails so it’s not overwhelming when you return.
Your partner would like for both of you to completely disconnect from work and phones.
All of these are totally reasonable desires when going on a much-needed and desired vacation with your partner, especially if you have kids, busy lives, and rarely get away alone together.
But, it’s common for each individual in a couple to carry assumptions about what their vacations will look like, but not share them with each other. These unspoken expectations can lead to disappointment, resentment, and arguments. And they can ruin a vacation.
If I’m coaching a couple and they have an upcoming trip together, I’ll ask if they’ve had friction on past trips, how they could avoid that on this trip, and what each is hoping to experience in this upcoming trip. We bring to light any unstated resentments and also unstated expectations, and then discuss tools to use to work together on their trip.
However, after a recent phone conversation with my good friend Rob, I’ve bumped this up to another level for some clients. He told me about a proactive conversation he had years ago with his first wife, prior to their honeymoon. They were going to a Riviera-like beach resort that would likely have topless women. He told his fiancé, “I think you are an incredibly beautiful woman and I’m very attracted to you. And, if there are topless women on the beach, I will probably keep looking at them. Not because I’m attracted to them and not to you, but because I’ve never seen that before and I’ll probably be like a 14-year-old boy.”
And then he said, “So, can we just have this fight now, so that we don’t have to have it on our honeymoon?”
Brilliant. And fight they did. She was hurt and angry and jealous. He didn’t “fight” back. He listened to her and validated her. Then he explained his perspective as best he could while expressing his desire and love for her. They were then able to discuss it in a reasonable and responsible way. And they avoided this conflict on their honeymoon.
So consider this perspective: Are there any “fights” that you can have in a proactive and responsible way, so that you’re a stronger team going into your vacations and trips? This can also be helpful going into any big event like weddings, family holiday gatherings, and work parties.
I was recently in the Mayan Riviera in Mexico and recorded this short video on the beach in Tulum. It’s two quick tips for conversations to have with your partner before a trip (including about sex!), to help manage expectations. It’s OK and “normal” to have differing needs when traveling, so just make sure you discuss them ahead of time. Adios!
