Can You Hear Me Now? The Real Intent Behind Your Communication
I’ve been thinking a lot about communication recently.
Initially, I was reflecting on how couples are communicating (or not communicating) during our global pandemic while sheltering-in-place. I know many couples have been struggling.
Now I’m reflecting on how individuals are having conversations with friends and family, and publicly posting or commenting, about racial justice, police violence, white supremacy, and the protests.
I’m curious how often most individuals pause before they speak or write, and consider WHY they want to share what they are about to share? I know some folks take pause, and place a lot of value on reflection. They are committed to finding that precarious balance of integrity, mindfulness, self-expression, and kindness. But unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to be the norm. Especially not on social media. But also not necessarily in our own homes.
What if you started reflecting on the intent behind your verbal and written communication? Here’s a challenge to take on for the next week (or even one day!) if you’re up for it.
Every time you are about to speak to your partner or a family member, or about to write something on social media, think through these quick 3 steps:
1. Pause and reflect on how you’re feeling right now. The piece of information you’re about to share…is it accompanied by feeling anxious? Angry? Afraid? Or frustration, worry, exhaustion, or disgust? Or is it accompanied by feelings of being open-hearted, appreciative, welcoming, or kind?
2. Ask yourself what the intent is behind your comment (there may be multiple motivations). The following list can help. It is far from exhaustive, but this is what I’ve been seeing and hearing recently:
To clarify
To make someone wrong
To acknowledge and appreciate
To vent
To thoughtfully offer a different perspective
To feel smart or righteous
To amuse or entertain
To embarrass someone or shame them
To boldly share a vulnerable perspective
3. Now consider: Are you adding value or detracting from value? Do you want to create a connection or a disconnection?
Once you’ve reflected on what’s going on in this moment for you, you are better armed with relevant self-information that can guide you in how best to proceed.
This process might take a while initially if you’re new to pausing and reflecting in this way. And this kind of mindfulness is much easier when you’re writing than when you’re speaking. But if you slow down a bit and start considering what is motivating your communication, in the long run, you will cultivate greater conscious communication and hopefully greater integrity, understanding, and connection.
Overall this is about being kinder to others, but it’s also about being kinder to yourself…in all of your human beauty and messiness.